Why does my head always hurt? Do I have a brain tumor? Maybe I should pray more. Do I only pray because I think it will help me improve my life? Do other people pray for all the wrong reasons too? How long will it take this broken toe to heal? Should I really stop wearing heels? Are taller women really less attractive? Am I actually a boring person? How do I get so much dust on me at work? Why is my life not more fabulous? How do you suddenly get a fabulous life? When will crop tops go back out of style? Did I remember to feed my frogs? Does the fact that I have frogs on my desk make me weird? Why are all men such idiots? I want bread. I want chocolate. I want coffee. Why does everything that tastes delicious make me feel so miserable? Does my butt look bumpy in this skirt? Is this man on the metro rapping to himself? His earphones look nice though, I should get myself a pair. Do I chose a new duvet or a new watch? Do you invest in one kettlebell or multiple? Am I normal or am I just actually crazy? Is there really a negative stigma with mental disorders anymore? Do normal people check Facebook this much? Or do I just suck at my job?
No wonder I’m so tired all the time.
Today I’ve learned that we all have times we feel alone, but the key is how you learn to cope with loneliness. I’ve spent so much of the last year feeling anxious because I was terrified of having no one it listen it me in my life. The thing is there’s always someone there to listen, you just have to talk to Him.
Mediocricity is not for me.
Time to work a bit harder.
I think my biggest failure as a woman is my tendency to self sabotage my own happiness. I feel like that’s the case for a lot of women. I don’t think that being a strong woman means you stick to you guns and beliefs and stand up for yourself. I think being a strong woman means loving everything you are and knowing how to treat those that don’t agree with who you are.
On another note, I feel like I’m finally at the point where I have enough room in my heart and mind for someone besides myself.
When I first created this account, it was never about achieving dreams, or becoming who you were meant to be. It’s just always been something I’ve kept to myself that no one else can see. It was my place to get things out of my system, and feel like I could finally heal.
After talking to an old friend tonight, I’ve realized that this healing process is far from over. I’ve neglected the search for a permanent fix and let the temporary one take over. I’ve forgotten that I can’t just magiclly say I’m better, and that means everything is better. It certainly doesn’t change the fact that six months ago I woke up one morning, hating a part of myself so much that I couldn’t bear to take it any more. I’ve prayed, I’ve learned, and I’ve succeeded in so many things since that day, but it doesn’t mean that all of this is over. It’s a constant journey on a path to a more peaceful life, a committment to being the best person I can be and not allowing negative thoughts to run my life.
I haven’t utilized this as much as I feel I should, and hopefully that will change.